By John Hattie and Kyle Hattie
When we became parents, we quickly learned to stop judging other parents — and ourselves. Children say and do things that surprise us. Art Linkletter, an early American TV personality known for interviewing children, captured this truth: young children and the very old often tell the unvarnished truth, full of emotion and bluntness. That honesty can be jarring, but it’s part of how kids learn and express themselves.
Your students or children won’t be perfect. Parents naturally hope their children will behave politely, respect others, and adopt the social norms you value. Most parents have high expectations, and rightly so: toddlers can be clever, funny, and charming. Yet kids will still make mistakes, misunderstand situations, and sometimes blurt out inappropriate comments.
Some parents try to demand perfection. These “perfectionist” parenting styles come in many forms:
- The helicopter parent: constantly hovering, preventing independence and decision-making.
- The jetfighter parent: waiting in the wings, ready to swoop in at the first sign of trouble.
- The snowplow (or lawnmower) parent: clearing obstacles to guarantee success and privilege.
- The snowflake parent: insisting the child is unique and deserves special treatment.
- The magic-bullet parent: expecting a secret technique that will make their child exceptional — and blaming teachers when that doesn’t happen.
- The bonsai parent: rigidly shaping the child’s environment and public presentation to look “perfect.”
- The gifted-only parent: insisting their child be labeled gifted and kept away from peers who might slow them down.
- The social-media parent: constantly messaging teachers and broadcasting complaints or demands.
- The expert-parent-teacher: asserting they know better than professional educators.
- The drama parent: escalating minor incidents into major conflicts with tears and demands for top-down intervention.
These styles often teach children to expect others to micromanage or protect them, reducing resilience and responsibility. If parents avoid challenges or insist on always being “right,” children may adopt similar habits: avoiding responsibility, fearing failure, or depending on others to solve every problem.
There is a constructive alternative: becoming an open-to-learn, responsive parent. Educational researcher Viviane Robinson popularized “open-to-learning conversations” for school leaders, and the concept translates directly to parenting. Being open to learning means listening to your child’s thinking, asking questions, and working together to make decisions. It does not mean abdicating responsibility; rather, it creates space for mutual understanding and problem-solving.
An open-to-learn approach values respectful dialogue over edicts like “Do as you are told.” It recognizes that children often lack full reasoning skills, but also that their perspectives matter and can reveal important information. Openness builds trust — a crucial resource for handling difficult issues when they arise.
Parents who practice responsive communication help their children develop listening skills, learn how to invite alternative views, give and receive feedback, and manage conflict calmly. When parents impose views without discussion, relationships suffer: emotional reactions intensify, winners and losers emerge, and trust erodes.
Robinson recommends several practical strategies that work equally well in homes:
- Talk about reasoning and ask for explanations rather than declaring right or wrong.
- Treat personal views as hypotheses open to evidence, not immutable truths.
- Look for evidence you might be wrong and listen deeply when your child disagrees.
- Set high standards and regularly check how you’re helping your child meet them.
- Encourage shared problem identification before offering solutions.
- Assess the impact of your parenting decisions by observing the quality of your child’s choices and actions.
The payoff for responsive parenting appears most clearly during conflict or poor performance. Families that normalize identifying and discussing problems create a safe environment where children can think out loud and consider alternative views. Even when parents ultimately make the final decision, responsiveness models constructive behavior for children and teaches them to be responsive to others.
Use conversational phrases that promote openness and problem-solving. Examples include:
- I need to tell you about a concern I have about…
- I think we may see this differently…
- I realize this might not be how you see it…
- I’m disappointed by your behavior because…
- I want to work with you to address this concern…
- What do you think?
- You haven’t said much so far. Do you see it differently?
- This time I really want to understand more about your situation…
- What other possibilities are there?
- We both agree this isn’t acceptable as it is…
- It sounds like we see the problem the same way…
Responsiveness does not mean giving up your role as the adult in charge. Parents remain responsible for teaching consequences, guiding behavior, and setting boundaries. Children will still make mistakes and need correction. However, responsiveness provides the relationship, trust, and communication skills that make teaching effective and lasting, especially through challenging stages like adolescence.
The role of a parent isn’t to clear every obstacle or smooth every path so a child can coast through life. Instead, the goal is to teach navigation skills: how to make wise choices, cope with setbacks, and pursue meaningful goals. Think less of parenting as a bus route with everyone driven along the same path; think more of it as preparing each child to drive their own route safely and responsibly.
Professor John Hattie is a renowned education researcher whose books Visible Learning and Visible Learning for Teachers synthesize extensive meta-analyses on what works in education. His work has influenced teachers and school leaders globally, and he co-authored the book 10 Steps to Develop Great Learners (published April 2022).
Kyle Hattie is a Year 6 teacher in Melbourne with a decade of experience teaching primary students across Australia and New Zealand. He has held leadership roles and focuses on how students become effective learners. He co-authored 10 Steps to Develop Great Learners (published April 2022).
This article was originally published by The Learning Counsel, a research institute and news media hub focused on the shift toward digital curriculum in education.