This is an op-ed written by Marcia Fervienza
First scenario: a 12-year-old girl who belongs to a stable, loving family of five experiences a sudden loss when her older sister leaves home amid conflict. The family immediately offers emotional and psychological support, but the girl insists she doesn’t want to talk because it only makes her sad. Her parents respect her wish. Months later she confides that she has begun self-harming because she feels emotionally overwhelmed.
Second scenario: a 14-year-old is told the family must relocate to another state for work. She is distraught and refuses to accept the move, proposing alternatives such as splitting the family, downsizing, or living without one parent’s income. The parents explain these options aren’t feasible. Within weeks she is caught shoplifting and, shortly after, sneaking out at night. These behaviors are out of character; when asked why, she says she doesn’t know.
Third scenario: a girl who was sexually assaulted at age five grows up with a single, alcoholic, and mentally ill mother in a chaotic home. Despite the adversity, she avoids drugs and crime through adolescence, later builds the stable family she wished she had, and becomes a practitioner helping others with emotional issues. As an adult she develops anxiety that she manages with therapy and medication, but otherwise her youth records are clean.
What separates these three children? The first two faced acute stressful events within an otherwise secure environment and broke down when circumstances changed. The third endured prolonged trauma and neglect but ultimately found ways to thrive. Why didn’t the steady, safe context of the first two better prepare them to handle loss and change?
The Concept of Resilience
Resilience is a word we often use, but what does it mean? Dictionaries define it as the ability to recover from or adjust to misfortune or change. Modern psychology treats resilience as a skill that can be developed by caregivers and educators. For example, guidance from professional associations encourages teaching self-care, fostering connections, maintaining routines, and supporting a positive self-view.
These are precisely the things many middle-class parents emphasize. The families in the first two scenarios provided structure, affection, and encouragement. Yet those children reacted in unexpected ways to upheaval. The third child, who lacked those conventional supports, demonstrated resilience instead. This paradox prompts a closer look at what truly builds a child’s capacity to cope.
How come?
Some experts argue we shelter children from frustration to a fault: we award participation instead of achievement, praise effort regardless of outcome, and try to shield them from painful life events like divorce. These instincts are understandable—parents want to protect their children. But despite these efforts, rates of depression, anxiety, and self-harm among adolescents are high and rising. Are our protective practices inadvertently leaving children less prepared for inevitable hardship?
When teenagers act out, the response is often to search for psychiatric labels or immediate fixes like medication. Those interventions can be necessary at times, but they don’t fully explain why some well-cared-for kids collapse under stress while others who endured chronic adversity adapt and grow.
Cultural Influences
One factor that differentiates today’s adolescents from earlier generations is constant exposure. Young people now carry a perpetual window onto their social world through smartphones and social media. They are rarely offline and cannot easily escape peer pressure, school demands, or family problems. Rather than facing discrete high-stress episodes, many adolescents live with ongoing, low-level stress that erodes coping resources over time.
Early Independence and Social Demands
Another crucial difference is the quality of attachment. Historically, children who survived wartime hardship often had strong, dependable bonds with adults — parents, extended family, neighbors — who provided safety and stability. Those relationships functioned as anchors through trauma. Today, parents frequently encourage early independence, and modern life demands parents be physically present but emotionally distracted by work and screens. As a result, presence has sometimes replaced true connection.
At the same time, adolescence has become intensely peer-focused. Teens understandably prioritize friendships, which are vital for social development. But when peers become the primary or most trusted attachment figure, adolescents can lose the steady emotional base they need. Peers are themselves unstable during this transitional stage; friendships change, loyalties shift, and identities are in flux. That instability makes peers a poor substitute for the mature, consistent support that helps young people weather setbacks.
A secure attachment to a calm, reliable adult gives teenagers a “safe harbor” during hormonal, emotional, and social turbulence. When that adult connection is strong, adolescents are more likely to try new things, learn from failure, and recover from losses without falling apart.
Options
So instead of focusing primarily on teaching resilience as a set of behaviors, caregivers should prioritize cultivating deep, dependable relationships. Practical steps include being emotionally available, listening without immediate judgment, sharing everyday moments, and creating rituals that reinforce belonging. These practices build a stable base from which children can face change.
When children know they have at least one unchanging point of reference—parents or other committed adults—they are better able to confront the uncertainties of adolescence. That secure base doesn’t remove pain, but it helps young people tolerate it, learn from it, and move forward.
Fortunately, the children in the opening stories ultimately fared well. The ones who briefly unraveled recovered, and the young woman who overcame early trauma built a healthy life and meaningful work. What likely made the difference was the presence of secure attachments—relationships that returned them to core values of love, trust, and confidence. Those bonds are the foundation parents are uniquely positioned to create.
About:
Marcia Fervienza is a Brazilian psychologist with more than 20 years of experience as a therapist and as a patient. She earned a BA in Psychology in the United States and pursued further training at respected universities in Brazil and Argentina, deepening her knowledge of multicultural issues and diversity.
She has published articles across Latin America and regularly contributes to well-known wellness and self-improvement outlets.
Fervienza is also a Certified Coach, Board Certified PTSD Counselor, and an entrepreneur.