The Fine Art of Complaining: When Complaints Help and When They Hurt

By Betsy Hill and Roger Stark

Some people enjoy complaining; others find it exhausting. In a New York Times opinion piece, Samantha Irby argued that “to complain is to truly be alive,” describing complaint as a kind of emotional relief. That feeling of release is familiar to many, but whether complaining actually helps is more complicated.

Complaining can feel comforting in the moment, yet it often has unintended consequences for the people around us. One common social response is what Betsy remembers from college: complaints about heavy workloads, difficult professors, or frustrating relationships would quickly turn into one-downmanship—everyone trying to top each other’s story of hardship. Instead of receiving validation, the original complainer would be met with a catalog of worse experiences, and the conversation would lose its usefulness. At that point the healthiest choice was often to leave the room.

There are also psychological consequences. As Dr. Travis Bradberry has noted, repeated negativity can alter how our brains respond, making us more likely to default to complaining. Habitual complaining reinforces negative thought patterns and makes it harder over time to see positive possibilities. In contrast, cultivating gratitude reduces stress hormones and fosters resilience; research supports gratitude as a beneficial practice for both mood and health.

That does not mean complaining has no value. The key is to choose complaints wisely and use them deliberately. Most casual complaining simply amplifies negativity without producing change. But a focused, well-timed complaint can highlight a real problem and prompt meaningful action.

Here’s a short, practical example. Roger lived near a bank whose sidewalks were littered and overgrown with weeds, creating an unattractive frontage that affected neighbors and customers. He chose to speak to the bank manager directly, framing the concern in terms of the bank’s image and the neighborhood’s experience. Although the manager initially blamed the landlord, she recognized the day-to-day impact on customers and staff. Within a week the trash was cleared and the sidewalks were tidy. Roger followed up with a thank-you gesture. That outcome illustrates how a specific, respectfully delivered complaint to the right person can create change.

From experiences like this, we can extract practical guidelines for what we call the fine art of complaining—how to complain so your words are more likely to produce a positive result:

1. Complain sparingly. Reserve complaints for situations where you genuinely expect action or improvement.
2. Define your goal. Before speaking, be clear about what you want to achieve and why it matters.
3. Address the right person. Find someone who has the authority or influence to resolve the issue.
4. Be specific. Describe exactly what is wrong and what a reasonable solution would look like.
5. Avoid dumping everything. Present one issue at a time rather than a list of grievances that can overwhelm the listener.
6. Keep emotions in check. Strong emotion raises stress and makes constructive dialogue more difficult for both sides.
7. Protect yourself from chronic complainers. Constant exposure to negativity can affect your mood and long-term well-being, so set boundaries when needed.

When a complaint follows these principles, it is more likely to be heard and acted upon. The goal isn’t to avoid all negative expression, but to make sure that when we do speak up, we do it in a way that respects others and advances a solution.

Betsy jokes about posting a sign on her office door: “This is not the complaint department. Positive ideas welcome.” That’s a tongue-in-cheek reminder that constructive contributions—ideas paired with a clear request—tend to be far more effective than venting for venting’s sake.

About the authors

Betsy Hill is President of BrainWare Learning Company, which develops programs to build learning capacity through practical applications of neuroscience. An experienced educator, she has studied the intersection of neuroscience and education with leading experts and served as chair of the board of trustees at Chicago State University. She teaches strategic thinking in the MBA program at Lake Forest Graduate School of Management and holds a Master of Arts in Teaching and an MBA from Northwestern University.

Roger Stark is Co-founder and CEO of BrainWare Learning Company. For more than a decade he has helped expand access to cognitive literacy skills training and assessment. His work focused on translating knowledge about the brain into practical, affordable training tools. He led the team that developed BrainWare SAFARI, a widely researched online cognitive literacy training program.

Note: This article was originally published by The Learning Counsel, a research institute and news media hub that provides context for the shift in education toward digital curriculum.