By Tamara Fyke
Holidays can be stressful for any family. When family members don’t always get along, past tensions, clashing opinions, or the strain of gathering everyone in one place can make the season fraught instead of festive. As a parent, how do you model calm, positive relationships for your children when family dynamics are complicated?
We do have some tension in our family, and every year I feel a bit anxious about the holidays. A few years ago we had a Christmas Day blowup, and I am determined both to prevent a repeat and to use the season as a teaching moment. Over the years I’ve developed a few practical approaches I rely on to foster healthier relationships and model resilience for my kids.
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Plan ahead. My children behave better when we have a clear plan. That might include a game night, a walk to see lights, a movie marathon, cookie baking, or a community service activity. I think of myself as the family “cruise director,” offering a variety of options and keeping supplies and ideas on hand. Having a loose schedule—rather than no plan at all—helps reduce boredom, arguments, and impulsive behavior.
Resilience concept: Organization: keeping things in order by creating a plan of action. -
Provide for alone time. My sons are introverts, so I can’t expect them to be “on” with grandparents and relatives all day. They need chances to recharge away from the group. Letting them know when they’ll have a quiet hour or a private room to reset helps them persevere through family activities without becoming overwhelmed.
Resilience concept: Self-awareness: knowing your strengths and limits and recognizing when you need to step back to recharge. -
Expect growth, not perfection. Holidays rarely run without some hiccups—and that’s okay. If I lose my temper or say something hurtful, I’ll own that mistake without excuses and then repair it by apologizing and talking it through. Modeling how to make amends and keep trying is a powerful lesson for children.
Resilience concept: Forgiveness: letting go of anger and making space to move forward. -
Handle unsolicited parenting advice thoughtfully. Family gatherings often bring well-meaning—and sometimes blunt—opinions about how you raise your children. After more than two decades of parenting, I’ve learned to listen first and take stock before reacting. Ask yourself: Is there a kernel of helpful truth here? Does the feedback encourage growth, or does it leave me feeling shamed? If it’s constructive and empowering, consider what you can learn. If it’s delivered in a way that breeds guilt, it’s okay to discard it and protect your confidence as a parent.
Resilience approach: Listen, evaluate by the spirit behind the comment, keep what helps, and let go of what harms your sense of competence. -
Address sibling rivalry with presence and perspective. Sibling rivalry is real and often messy; it doesn’t always disappear on its own. My role has been to love each child unconditionally and to invest in one-on-one time with them—short outings, conversations, or small rituals that reinforce that I am on their side. I also teach them that kindness begins at home and encourage language and actions that build up rather than tear down. Finally, I step back and let them try to work things out on their own when appropriate. They need opportunities to practice resolving conflicts and repairing relationships so they can become supportive adults.
Resilience concept: Responsibility: stewarding relationships and practicing conflict resolution.
Beyond these core strategies, a few practical tips help holidays go smoother: set clear expectations before guests arrive, agree on simple ground rules with your partner (or co-hosts), assign small roles to children so they feel included and useful, and plan at least one calming ritual—like a family walk or a shared meal without devices. If tensions rise, take a short break, breathe, and return to the space when people can be more present.
It’s important to remember that no family is perfect. The goal is not to stage a flawless holiday but to model how to handle real-life difficulties with grace: plan ahead, set boundaries, apologize when you’re wrong, and teach kids how to repair relationships. Those moments offer powerful lessons that will stay with them long after the wrapping paper is cleared away.
About the author
Tamara Fyke is an educator and social entrepreneur focused on children, families, and urban communities. She is the creator and author of Love In A Big World, offering mental health, social-emotional learning, and wellness curriculum and content. During quarantine, Tamara developed MusiCity Kids, an online educational show for children that covers health, movement, character development, STEAM, and more.
This article was originally published by The Learning Counsel, a research institute and news media hub focused on the shift to digital curriculum in education.